40 Things —
I've learned at 40.
Technically, 41. But 40 Things has a better ring to it, no?
I had grand plans to finish this before my birthday but alas it has passed and here we are.
I’ve seen these lists floating around and felt inspired to create my own. It’s a compilation of wisdom, lessons, life experiences, mottos and mantras I’ve grown to live by. Pieces of advice I might give to my younger self — or on occasion, reminders to my current self.
Always be evolving. I get asked a lot how I’ve had the confidence to try so many things in my career. And it’s because I value growth and evolution above all else. I love to learn something new, to expand, to discover and grow into a new challenge. I want as many different life experiences as I can collect. What else are we doing here?
Our relationships are our greatest teachers. This is why the monk living alone in the mountains can never truly reach enlightenment. It’s easy to feel enlightened when no one is around to trigger you.
Take a solo trip. Before I met my husband I had fallen in love with a dear friend and he died in a very tragic way. I was extremely lost and grieving and decided to book a trip to France (he was born in Paris and we had discussed moving there) alone for three weeks. It was so healing and an experience I will never forget, one that I believe we all need (though not only in response to tragedy). And while you could certainly take a more local trip I do think there is something to being absorbed in a culture outside of your own. Traveling alone means eating meals alone, seeing new things and exploring alone and it all becomes a meditation, a chance to get to know yourself in ways you can’t access otherwise. Doing this in my late 20s was formative but I imagine it offering something different and worthwhile during all of life’s chapters.
Be a collector, of something. It’s fun and makes life interesting, like a constant treasure hunt. Find something unique to you that you enjoy. My MIL used to collect miniature dollhouse items and I love that for her. My aunt went through an extensive milk-glass phase. I myself had a pink depression glass era and have since moved on to vintage napkin rings.
Accept that people aren’t perfect, and don’t try so hard to change them. This is one that comes with age and life experience. I find it to be especially relevant in our relationships with our parents and partners (probably children as well, mine are too little to have experienced this yet). To love someone is to accept their imperfections. And when we stop trying so hard to change them we find a lot more peace.
Spend time with people who energize and uplift you. On the flip side of acceptance, we sometimes evolve out of certain friendships and relationships — and that’s okay. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for negativity or drama. And since becoming a mother I’m even more intentional with my time. If I’m spending time away from my girls, the connection needs to feel nourishing, never taxing.
Make home your sanctuary. Create a home that reflects you, regenerates you, inspires you. You know the feeling of walking into a beautiful space, like the perfect hotel lobby? You can create your own version of that. It doesn’t have to be grand. It just means paying attention to what you like, and experimenting. And it can be done on a budget, I have seen some incredible spaces made possible by Facebook Marketplace.
Age like a witch. When it comes, I will be leaning into my crone era.
Self-compassion is the medicine we all need. As a child of addicts, I carried a lot of shame and perfectionism. I was so hard on myself and while I understood the concept of self-love, it felt impossible to re-wire that programming within myself. After years of journaling/therapy/books/mirror exercises it finally clicked: Where is this getting me? What if I could be my own best friend? It took time but I was eventually able to make that shift and it changed everything. It may sound cliché, but I truly believe collective self-compassion has the power to heal the world.
It’s okay to not always be right. My husband would tell you I’m still learning this and he wouldn’t be wrong. He happens to be very good at apologizing quickly to get past something even if he doesn’t feel he was fully in the wrong. Connection > correctness.
Embrace a natural look. Maybe it’s as simple as becoming more comfortable in my own skin as I age, but I find myself wearing far less makeup than I used to when I was younger. Looking back at my 2016 lash-extension era makes me giggle. I remember so vividly a night when Jared came to my apartment in Williamsburg when we first started dating for a cozy night in, and having a full face of makeup. I remember looking in the mirror and for the first time thinking it did look a bit odd but doing it anyway. Today I’ll wear foundation and mascara for a night out but most days I enjoy the simplest routine: a couple drops of this magic mixed with my face oil, and some days a bit of this under my eyes. Always coupled with a good lash curl.
Learn to roast a chicken / bake a cake / make a perfect martini. Choose something you love and make it your thing. Your own little specialty. Do it over and over again and you will do it well. Then share it with the people you love and multiply the joy.
Buy the very best bedding you can afford. Maybe it’s because I’m in my mom-to-young-kids era, but there is nothing more sacred than climbing into my pristine, cloud-like bed each evening. Yes, we spend one-third of our lives in bed. Make it as luxurious as possible.
Use good knives. If you think you can’t cook, my guess is that you may be operating with sub-par kitchen knives, cutting board, pans, all the tools. I’m here to tell you, it makes a difference. I don’t love cooking myself when I’m at my in-laws trying to cut through a vegetable and wondering… how?! Upgrade your tools and see how much more you enjoy using them.
Your home is a living organism. I’m only just learning this because I don’t think I’ve ever stayed in one place long enough to really experience it. Our tastes change over the years and while we evolve our wardrobes without a thought, for some reason we’re slower to update our homes. Having lived in our rental home for five years now, I’ve looked around more than once and thought… oh. This doesn’t quite feel like me anymore. Our homes should evolve and grow as we do.
There is no such thing as objective reality — only our own perceptions. While I do love a good philosophical debate, I find this reminder to be more practical than anything else. A simple example: have you ever convinced yourself someone is mad at you? They didn’t call or respond to your text, and now you’re questioning what happened in your last conversation, creating some story in your mind… then you talk to them and discover everything’s fine and it was all in your head? A question I like to ask myself if I’m experiencing a negative thought is: Is it really true? Can I know with 100% certainty that this is true? Most often, the answer is no — and that helps me release the thought.
Face your pain. When my father’s condition began to deteriorate in my early 20s, I had no choice but to look at the deep grief, shame, and pain I carried around my parents. I remember journaling for the first time and it was like a tidal wave of emotions swept onto the page, so much I hadn’t yet had the courage to face as a child or teenager. Journaling remains one of my most steadfast tools (in addition to therapy, honest conversations, even ChatGPT) to meet those feelings, explore them, bring them into the open so that they can lose their power. We can’t integrate what we refuse to name.
We’re all creative. It’s part of what makes us human. Along the way I disconnected from this part of myself as many of us do. When my father was sick I started painting and it opened up something inside of me. I started taking all sorts of classes and while much of it didn’t come naturally, I found a great deal of joy and healing in the process. On top of that, it led me to what I’m doing now — another lesson lived in trusting our path which is so often non-linear.
Challenges are opportunities and redirections. I find myself inspired by challenges these days rather than triggered by them. For instance when I decided to pick my line back up after Dahlia was born I excitedly went back to my production partners only to be told they no longer had room in their calendar for me. Years ago I would have been devastated but instead I felt like, okay — something better for me is out there. And I was right! I ended up finding another partner who was even more aligned.
When eating out, we’re paying to fill our bellies, not finish the food. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, who helped my dad raise me. They ate out for every meal, which now seems insane but felt normal at the time. Outside of Wednesday nights at the country club it wasn’t anything fancy: Sonny’s BBQ on Mondays, Ruby Tuesday’s at the mall on Saturdays. My grandpa always told us we could order whatever we wanted as long as we ate it all. One day my aunt pulled the waiter aside privately and asked him to double Papa’s portion. We watched him struggle through his meal for a good bit before my aunt caved and told him what she did. Everyone got a good laugh and it became Schiear family lore. But it always stuck with me how she framed it — that we’re paying the price to fill ourselves, not to finish what’s on the plate. And if you’re someone who worries about food waste (I do), her logic there was equally sound: finishing food past fullness doesn’t prevent waste, it simply shifts where the waste happens.
No one knows better than you. In my twenties and even thirties, I leaned heavily on external sources (business advice, mentors, tarot, astrology) looking for answers. Over time I realized no one knows my life, my instincts, or my timing better than I do. If something isn’t clear in the moment it likely isn’t time yet.
If you want more, be grateful for what you have. The real secret to manifesting starts with a borderline obsessive gratitude practice. Feel deeply into the joy and abundance already present in your life. Why would the universe give you more if you don’t appreciate what you have?
Live like the French. There are so many things they get right. Take time and indulge in longer meals where connection is prioritized rather than rushing to the next thing. Enjoy all of the rich, real foods in moderation (croissants, cheese, chocolate, etc.) Embrace your natural beauty and don’t try too hard. And dip your fries in mayo, always.
Return to love. When I feel triggered by a person or situation, I stop and ask myself: How can I see this through a lens of love? That question almost always shifts something. It’s not about excusing or bypassing — it’s about responding from softness instead of ego. When I come from a place of love, I feel most like myself. I am aligned with the person I want to be. Reading Marianne Williamson’s Return to Love in my early 20s was instrumental in this awareness.
Don’t save the good stuff. Oh my, have I been guilty of this one. Talk about scarcity mindset! When I got back from that solo trip to France I had brought all these fabulous mustards and canned patés back with me and I saved them for a special occasion until one day I looked and they were all expired. Don’t do that. Call a friend and enjoy that foie gras.
Meditate. I know some might not want to hear it, but… it’s essential. I learned how to meditate after losing Harry and it saved me. If it’s new to you, there are so many paths in; an app like Insight Timer is a good place to start. I first learned reading the book Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn, which goes through the MBSR (meditation-based stress reduction) technique he brought to hospitals and other groups back in the 70s. It was an 8-week program where you meditated 45 minutes a day, which felt like a lot for a beginner but I was desperate. Later after losing both my parents I decided to go deeper with a 10-day silent Vipassana retreat which was, for lack of a better word, life-changing. I could write a book on all that I gained, but here’s one of my favorite learnings: Most of our suffering comes from arguing with reality. We’re constantly fighting situations we wish were different, a person we wish would be different. Often ourselves. Meditation teaches us to accept what is, what is out of our control. We can only control how we react. We all understand this in theory, but meditation is a tool to help us actually embody it.
Have integrity in all that you do. Fun fact, I worked at Bed, Bath & Beyond in high school. I loved that store! My manager there left an impression on me. He used to say the most successful people do their best no matter the job in front of them. Meaning, working your first job at a retail chain. Do your best and take pride in your work, no matter what. How you do one thing is how you do everything.
Be open to signs. Another good reason to meditate. If you are constantly filling yourself with distractions like work, phone, television, food, et al — there’s no space to hear/see these messages. In the white space you will discover the wisdom (and magic) you are seeking. The Alchemist is an excellent book to reconnect with this.
Journal before bed (if you worry at night). I always find this so helpful when I have a lot on my mind. Don’t worry about writing anything profound, sometimes just making a simple list of what’s bothering you or what you have to do the next day helps clear the slate for a good night’s rest.
Track your cycle. It’s crazy to me that I went most of my adult life without understanding how deeply our menstrual cycles affect us. I first discovered this through Alissa Vitti’s Flo Living, where I began to understand the different phases and how to not only treat my body but even to do my best mental and creative work throughout the month. Now I use ChatGPT where I keep an active thread logging all of my periods, symptoms, etc. (so simple to just open my phone and talk to it). This has brought much deeper insights for me personally — for instance, I’ve struggled with sleep in recent years but now I understand it’s directly tied to my cycle. Now it’s less of a problem to solve and more of a rhythm to roll with.
Listen to your body. Over the years I’ve learned that my body prefers more gentle, Pilates-based movement over strenuous cardio and HIIT classes that often left me more inflamed than anything else. Our bodies are constantly giving us information — about rest, stress, what to eat, decisions great and small. The problem is we like to override.
Don’t open your phone first thing in the morning. It’s sending the wrong signal to your mind and heart. Find a moment to connect inward. Making your bed is good but this is better.
Be yourself. Sounds simple, in today’s world it has become nearly impossible. We are all so deeply conditioned to follow the masses, the trends, the opinions of what others say is good or worthy. Every year I feel myself shedding layers and getting closer to who I really am, which is one of the greatest gifts of aging.
Have babies (if you want to/can). Motherhood didn’t just expand my understanding of love — it altered my experience of what it means to be alive. I deeply respect that this path is not for everyone, but if you’re on the fence because you think you’re not ready, I can just tell you now you never will be. No one ever is. Yes, they are a lot of work, expensive, and they do end your life as you currently know it but, in my experience, “worth it” doesn’t even come close to what’s waiting for you on the other side.
Eat your greens. If you struggle with this, my nonnegotiable is that I have a big green salad for lunch every weekday. I like to add two hard-boiled eggs and a good sprinkle of hemp seeds along with whatever other veg I might have on hand, beans (I like to make a batch of dried for the week which I also feed to my kids or use in a dinner) avocado or nuts, and a bit of cheese — usually feta, goat, or Parm. Sometimes I’ll make a small jar of vinaigrette for the week but more often I’m lazy and drizzle olive oil and vinegar right into the bowl. Don’t forget the salt — greens need seasoning, too!
Don’t buy from the sale unless you’d pay full price. Maybe it’s just me but I’ve been duped by a good sale too many times to count. In my wise old age I’ve learned that these items often end up in the donate pile much more quickly.
Plan your own party! Do you care about your birthday? Good for you! I’m not a fan of the “I hate my birthday” rhetoric. Celebrate yourself, life is short. Or whatever other life event that may be important to you. If you don’t think your friends are going to give you the hen’s party you dream of, or your partner will have a clue in how you’re envisioning your 50th… DIY, with no regrets.
You’re never too old to start that business/go back to school/travel/start a new hobby. This is it, your one wild and precious life. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks — and remember, they’re likely not thinking about you at all.
Decide you are ready for the right job/partner/situation. This often means letting go of the wrong job/partner/situation first. This happened to me with my husband, I was dating a bad egg before we met and I truly believe that I needed to leave that situation behind before the universe would present me with my golden one.
When all else fails, remember we’re just a tiny dot. This notion brings me peace no matter the circumstance. Exhale. We’re just flecks of stardust spinning on a planet with no idea why we’re here. (To love.) It’s about stepping outside of yourself into something greater.
x Sarah
Wonderful advice, thank you for sharing! We have just one life, it’s important how we spent it (and with who)!