It's Okay To Feel Lost

Why I almost quit, baby jail, and creative rebirth

Joan Mitchell, Untitled (1979)

My husband and I were seated facing one another on our respective couches in the living room after dinner, with our respective glasses of wine, when I blurted out that I was thinking I might stop writing this newsletter.

He was on his phone, and part of my reason for saying it was to get his attention, though it was also true.

“You mean for this week or altogether?” he said while not looking up from his phone.

“I mean quit altogether.”

Finally, he looked up.

“Why? I thought it was going great.”

“Is it? Well it’s not about that, anyway.”

I went on to tell him that for so many years, I felt like everything I did creatively was something I also had to share. What if I took some time to create just for myself?

I’d spoken with my coach (who is also a therapist, highly recommend this combination) about this at length, this idea of, wouldn’t it be interesting to see what would happen if I had no other agenda for my creative work than to just do it for myself? I felt like, what an incredible opportunity to do something like this. Without any constraints, any pressures or responsibilities, any need to achieve or accomplish… what would be possible?

Like an artist’s sabbatical. I could finally try writing fiction, I could keep painting… much more often than I’m doing now.

“I think it’d be dope. You should definitely do that.”